This Is Hell.

It's the Sunday after graduation, and I feel trapped in a weird time zone, waiting for the newest chapter in my life to begin, while the previous chapter has already ended. I dislike these strange in between times.

After the ceremony, Sean and I went with Dad and Amanda to Roscoe's to celebrate. We like to celebrate at Roscoe's. It's where we went after my Torrey Graduation, and immediately after we got engaged--where we sat in the weird, rosy lighting and looked at my ring in disbelief and had the waitress take pictures of us. Anyway, we went there yesterday and filled ourselves up with chicken, waffles, red beans, and rice. We walked around the much too bright streets of Hollywood reading the names inscribed in the stars on the sidewalk. My conclusion is as always: Hollywood is overrated and I would never want to live there in a million years.

In some ways, last night marked the beginning of Sean and I taking up our responsibilities as an independent couple. We were solely responsible for getting Sean moved out of his apartment, and while I can't say that it was the greatest idea to wait until about 10:00 p.m. to start moving, I probably would have done the same thing. Moving is such an unbelievably awful process that it must be avoided for as long as possible, no matter what the consequences. Still, it was us. No parents and no friends to help. I kept bemoaning the fact that his dad and sister hadn't stayed around to help us. Sean kept saying, "This is hell," and I added, "This is what Jesus died to save us from." (We were not very happy.) And yet, while the experience was sheer and total misery (3:00 in the morning, loading up our car with boxes), it was unifying, and enjoyable in the fact that we were working together as a team. I like solidifying experiences like that--that cement the fact that it's us against the world, and we've got to stick together. I'm sure many people will be sad that they missed the sight of us driving through the dark streets of La Mirada with a 6 foot tall book shelf hanging out of the car, and the one of the back doors wide open with me desperately trying to hold onto everything and keep it inside. And then we crashed into the bushes.

This morning at Church they had a cake for us, and Father David blessed us on our upcoming marriage!

This is a big week: moving, job interviews, finishing up the jobs I've worked this past year (which means saying good-bye to many dear, sweet children) wrapping up some of the final wedding details. But before any of that we are going hiking. For the past few months, the sole desire of my body, soul, and spirit has been to go hiking. Tomorrow is Memorial Day. We are taking the day off and going hiking in Pasadena, and I cannot wait!!!!

Graduation:

What never ceases to amaze me is how the cataclysmic events of our lives unfold so unassumingly. Yesterday morning I woke up, I put a black robe on over my dress and walked across a stage, shook a hand, received a slip of paper, and now I am a college graduate.

It's that simple.

Yet I come home after the ceremony, lay down in my bed to sleep the sleep of accomplishment, and I can't drift off because memories of the past five years are pouring through my mind, and I can't stop them.

I am in the throes of nostalgia.

A Letter from the Past

A couple of weeks ago Sean got a letter in the mail...from his 12 year old self. His 7th grade history teacher had all of his students write letters to themselves, which he promised to mail to them in 10 years.

This is Sean's:
Dear Sean Thomas,

This is a letter from the past. Remember in 2000 about Mrs. Gonzalez, that Jason Yim, Chris Morales, and Todd Marquese all hate Jason Harding. You have read Two and One of the Harry Potter Collection, You are on three and waiting for four which came out in July or July, 8, 2000. You watch WWF Raw Is War on Mondays and WWF SmackDown is on Thursdays. 10 years from now I should be WWF Superstar that has faced the 37 year old Rock, if still there. Have a wife and expect a kid soon. I've never smoke or done drugs. Be healthy and have never broken an arm or a leg. Have a good education. Only share this with girlfriend or wife. Have never broken the law

Sincerely,
Sean Thomas

If the West falls, I'm your man!

There are some things that pretty much never fail me:

1. The Psalms (and Scripture in general)

2. A good meal

3. A conversation with my mom

4. A great book


These are (or should be) my go to's when I find myself in the Slough of Despond.


As I struggle in the midst of wedding planning, finishing a hellish online Spanish class in order to graduate, work, job hunting, coping with being off an anti-depressant, the pressures of moving, and a million other imaginable and unimaginable stresses (like the emotional strain of possibly moving away from a place and people that I've loved for up to five years), I find words like, "In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust...Be thou my strong rock...For thy name's sake lead me, and guide me..." to be the firm ground upon which I can place my feet, and stake my life.

Great books--especially old, often read and dearly loved books, are joys in the midst of changing times, that's for sure. I left La Mirada library on Tuesday morning, practically giddy with delight over my newly checked-out treasures: Anne of Green Gables, The Fellowship of the Ring, and The Count of Monte Cristo on audiobook. I felt sure that if they knew how happy I was, they would never let me take my bounty for free. I suppose the public library system proves that happiness can be without a cost (unless you're a tax payer).

Listening to Anne of Green Gables makes me completely not mind--dare I say--even enjoy being stuck in bad traffic on the 5 for way too long. I am too busy laughing over Anne's antics and predicaments, and quoting Marilla's best lines, and enjoying the comfortable familiarity of a childhood book to care that I'm crawling along the asphalt at five miles an hour along with every other Southern Californian.

Last night Sean took me to Ruby's for our TWO YEAR anniversary. On the way back, I was telling him about my latest audiobook adventures, and he asked me, "Do you ever worry that one day you might live in a totalitarian regime in which the freedom to read whatever you want is not allowed?" My answer: EVERY DAY. Which is why I've been working on my "Books to Save In Case A Totalitarian Regime Takes Over" List for a long time:

1. The Bible
2. The Complete Works of Shakespeare
3. The Brothers Karamazov
4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

I'm convinced that these are the books which would bolster my courage in the face of pure evil, and keep me constantly reminded that Goodness, Truth, and Beauty still exist in this world. These are the literary masterpieces that would uphold my soul in the hour of darkness.

(On a side note: I believe that this is also why I attempt to--and sometimes succeed at--memorizing prodigious amounts of Scripture. Surely I am spurred on by a desire to know God and be transformed by His Word, but I also harbor a very melodramatic and inspiring vision of the West falling, and when we all meet together underground to piece our lives and literatures back together, I can supply Colossians and 1 John for the welfare and benefit of my fellow man! [Obviously on an even greater side note, I have read Fahrenheit 451 far too many times.])


All that to say, Sean and I have decided that when we have our own place, we will specifically arrange a collections of books that we will easily be able to grab in case the government suddenly falls and the Marxists--or, God forbid--the KJV-only fundamentalists take over and drive us God-fearing, literature-loving, Harry Potter and Walt Disney fans underground.

Too funny:

The sign on my 11 year old sister's door reads:


Camie's Room
Do NOT Enter upon Punishment of Death

No Boys Alowwed
(Accept Sean & Emilio)

If you really want to come in
Knock! PLEASE!!



This somewhat violent pronouncement is decorated with pink peace signs.