"I am a hostage to my own humanity..."

1. I've decided I want to be a nanny.

By that I mean, I want to pursue being a full-time, professional nanny, because--after all my skirmishes and struggles over grad-school options and career moves, this fits. I would love it, and enjoy it, and be good at it, and I am qualified for it as well.

In some ways, it feels really, really good to know what I want to do, and thus, to go about pursuing it. But it's also far harder to want something...to really want it--it just makes waiting for it, patiently, so much harder. It was easy to apply to any job that looked remotely possible just for the heck of it, but now that I want a specific job, my heart feels much more on the line.

2. Sean and I have a tentative plan.

This is a relief because I was starting to go insane with not having any definite plans for after our marriage. Our plan? Well, unless something drastically changes (like one or both of us get a good job), we'll pack all our stuff up in L.A. and take it up to his parents' house in the Bay Area. We'll enjoy our wedding and honeymoon, and afterward come back and stay at his parents' house for a few (couple?) months while we look for jobs. This makes me happy. While I suppose it would be ideal to have our own place picked out before the wedding, this just takes all the pressure off. It allows us to finish up at Biola, to graduate, enjoy family, get married and honeymoon without having to stress out majorly about jobs. It provides us with a few months margin (and free rent!) while we start to set up our lives after our wedding.

3. That being said, I am still frantically looking for jobs. I guess the fact that I've been working for the past 10 years makes me somewhat hesitant about being jobless. I nearly drove myself to a panic attack, worrying about jobs and such today. Finally, I had to set my phone down and stop checking my email compulsively to see if I'd heard from potential employers. This was good. I read a book. Took a nap. Then woke up and started frenziedly applying for more positions. Ah, well. It was a nice reprieve.

4. Why is it so hard to trust God? Or, why am I finding it so hard to trust God right now? Nothing in my life has ever lead me to believe I can't trust him...every experience adds on to all the reasons I have to believe his promises, and yet when stuff like this arises: situations full of uncertainty, it's like I'm back at square one. My "little faith" bothers me so much. I have been trying to meditate on Proverbs 3:5-6 and let it calm my heart. Still! Oh the inconveniences of being human!